


Right Now You're So Far Away

by freewillandphysics



Series: Finding Our Way Back [1]
Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: F/F, I don't know, i have a lot of feelings about these two, this is somewhere between angst and fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 14:04:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12234381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freewillandphysics/pseuds/freewillandphysics
Summary: Attempt 1048 - Eleanor remembers everything since the moment she died. She's the only one.It's torture.





	Right Now You're So Far Away

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd. Mistakes are mine.
> 
> Flashbacks are in italics.

Attempt 1048 - Day 37

As Eleanor sits at a patio table outside  _Thanks A Latte,_ tuning out Chidi’s treatise on the ethics of harvesting cocoa beans and watching Tahani laugh with Glenn in the park across the street, she thinks that Michael finally did it - nothing has ever felt more like torture. This time, when Eleanor woke up outside of Michael’s office, she had all of her memories of the afterlife, all 1047 versions. It didn’t take long for her to figure out that _only_ she retained her memories. The others believe that they just died. She’s got hundreds of years of memories they don’t.

 

It’s forking killing her.

 

She’s doing everything she can to make sure Michael doesn’t realize how much she hates this, partly because she doesn’t want him to have the satisfaction, and partly because she’s terrified that it’ll become a permanent fixture of his experiment. That she’ll wake up to find that the last 37 days exist only in her memory. She can’t lose them again.

 

_Attempt 218_

_“This is your soulmate Tahani.”_

 

_“Holy forking...I mean, hi. I’m Eleanor.”_

 

_“Well aren’t you the most adorable...” Tahani starts, as she audibly “boops” Eleanor’s nose._

 

_As Eleanor rubs her nose and says “wow, you booped me” and hears Tahani respond “I did!” she tries to pull herself together. She hasn’t felt this out of sorts since she died. She didn’t usually feel so unsettled when she was alive either; the fact that she never cared about anything enough made her air of indifference come pretty naturally. Tahani is hot, like really forking hot, but Eleanor's met hot people before, forked hot people before. And she already has a feeling that Tahani is a bit of a goody-two-shoes, but they’ve always been pretty easy to deal with too. She has two simultaneously strong instincts - to kick Tahani out of her house, and to pull her as close as possible and never let go. She hates this feeling._

 

 _After Michael leaves, she and Tahani sit down as Tahani gently pleads “darling, tell me everything”. Eleanor starts with, “so_ soulmate _, you have my back right? You’d never do anything to betray me?” Tahani tsks and says “Eleanor, love, we’re soulmates. We can get through anything, together.” Eleanor is paralyzed with indecision for a moment. She intends to confess everything but instead hears herself saying “I just...I never thought my soulmate would be so_ tall _…” As Tahani laughs in delight, Eleanor thinks “this is going to be a forking disaster”._

 

Tahani was the soulmate she kept the truth from for the longest. Michael has since told her that’s why he never paired them up again. Why Chidi has been designated her soulmate the most often. “You see, you trust Chidi implicitly, no matter what I do. You did the first time you met, and that’s only gotten stronger, even when you have no memory of each other. That really annoyed me at first but I’ve figured out how to use it to my advantage. Tahani, on the other hand, you always try to impress. You want to be good enough for her, which will never happen _obviously._ ”

 

He’s such an ashhole.

 

“It’s easy to get you to torture each other; the danger is allowing you to get too close. It’s hard to determine when that’s happening since you’re both so gobblam unpredictable together.”

 

Michael’s been dropping this information, mostly unprompted, since this attempt began. Eleanor thinks that he’s relieved he finally has someone to confide in.

 

Both Chidi and Tahani pulled away from her when Eleanor told them the truth. They thought she was crazy, maybe even dangerous. Jason was appropriately surprised, each of the three times she told him. He never ran away from her because he’s never fully understood what was happening. He’s not a lot of help, but he feels comforting, familiar so she keeps him near her. She also helped him and Janet get together, for their sake, and also because Michael panics every time any one of them is happy.

 

It was easy to win Chidi back. She _does_ trust him completely, and he seems to feel the same about her. It’s also easy to appeal to his sense of duty and play on his guilt. So they've started up lessons again. She knows everything he’s teaching her. She needs him to think she needs him or he’ll pull away again, but she hates lying to him. And she hasn’t missed the irony of her actually being prepared in a classroom for the first time in her life/death and having to pretend that she doesn’t understand anything.

 

She’s occasionally grateful that he doesn’t remember. She sometimes wishes she could forget the love triangles, the sex (although she occasionally watches him up at the chalkboard and wonders how this nerd who has so much trouble interacting with other people is so _good_ in bed.) Their romances made sense in the context of each attempt, but having the memories of all of them, she knows that they’d never make it. They’re better off as friends; platonic soulmates. She misses him, even though he’s right next to her. Her relationship with Chidi is the strongest, healthiest one she’s ever had. She’s known him for several lifetimes and he’s only known her for 37 days. She didn’t realize how much having him believe in her helped her believe in herself - that she’s real, that she matters, that she’s a _good_ person.

 

She makes a decision in a split second, “Chid-ster, I still feel bad about all that uh, trouble, I had when we first got here. I want to make it up to you. I’m going to take you on a picnic. You, Tahani, Jianyu, the whole gang. I’ll wine and dine you and we can officially put that whole thing behind us. How’s that sound?”

 

“You know what Eleanor, that’s really...” is all she hears as she makes a beeline for Tahani. Okay, so maybe she’s still not the _best_ person.

 

Tahani looks back in fear, and Eleanor feels it in her chest. It _hurts_ that Tahani could feel that way. In all their time in the afterlife, they’ve felt a lot of things towards each other, but she doesn’t think scared was ever one of them. Or at least _Tahani_ was never afraid of _her_.

 

_Attempt 127_

_Tahani opens the door, just as Eleanor knew she would. She never had a use for good manners in life but they’ve_ really _been useful to her in death. Tahani spits out “what do you want?” as a sheepish Eleanor waves a white t shirt in front of her. “I couldn’t find a flag. Can I come in? Please?”_

 

_Tahani rolls her eyes as she moves back, mumbles “she even surrenders like a Plebeian”, but Eleanor can see that she softened a bit, and she lets herself hope._

 

_They’d been fighting for weeks, executing increasingly elaborate pranks and other attacks on each other. Until yesterday, when Eleanor told Tahani that she never wanted to see her again. That spending eternity with her meant this place could never be truly good. She meant it, but it took her a sleepless night to realize why._

 

_“I was scared!”_

 

_“Pardon?”_

 

 _“I was scared. That’s why I did all that dumb stuff. I like you Tahani. I lo-. I just really like you, okay? And that scared me._ You _scare me. You make me feel, ugh! Like I just stepped off a roller coaster, and haven’t adjusted back to gravity yet. You’re hot as help and you turn me on even when I’m mad at you. Especially when I’m mad at you. And you’re a better person that me in, well,_ every _way and that drives me crazy. And every time I try to say the right thing or do the right thing it comes out so messed up. It’s like, it’s like...trying to curse! I know what I want to say and I know exactly the effect it’ll have and then I’m stuck saying help instead of help or fork instead of fork. It’s so gobblam frustrating. And you could probably curse if you wanted to because it would come out_ perfect, _just like everything else you do. And -_

 

_“Eleanor, stop”, Tahani says, holding up one hand to halt her._

 

_Eleanor deflates, until Tahani follows it up with, “I’m not as perfect as you think I am, and I like you a help of a lot too”._

 

_She’s smug. She should be; it was the perfect thing to say (of course). But before Eleanor can get annoyed about it, Tahani is kissing her, and it feels like saying exactly what she wants at exactly the perfect time or doing the right thing just for the sake of it. It’s the same thrill and satisfaction she used to get from actually cursing. It feels like the beginning of something good._

 

Tahani doesn’t move, but Eleanor can tell she’s contemplating exit routes. She holds up and waves her napkin from the cafe, and as she walks into Tahani’s earshot says “I couldn’t find a flag”. Tahani rolls her eyes as she holds back a smile, but there’s no recognition in it, and Eleanor _aches_. She knows Tahani, her fears and her doubts, her favorite jokes, the most sensitive spots on her body, and how she likes to be kissed. And the only thing Tahani seems sure of about Eleanor is that she’s crazy.

 

Eleanor holds up her hands in front of her like she’s talking to a wild animal who’s primed to either scamper away or attack at any moment. For the 432nd time since she died, she pictures Tahani as a giraffe. This time there’s no mean satisfaction, or sexual frustration, or delight behind it. There’s just longing. She tries to tamp it down.

 

“Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot with my whole 'this is really the bad place' thing. That was crazy, right? Bad transition. Michael said that happens sometimes. If there’s a violent death or something? I don’t know. Anyway, I wanted to make it up to you! I thought we could have a picnic”. Tahani’s eyes widen in fear and Eleanor follows it up with “a bunch of us. You know Jianyu and Chidi, maybe Janet, and whoever else you want”. Chidi smiles and waves when Eleanor gestures to him, and Tahani seems to relax a little at that. She regally lifts a hand to wave back and Eleanor is struck, again, by how pretty she is.

 

_Attempt 562_

_Eleanor’s lying on her back, with Tahani snuggled on top of her. They’re both naked, warm and sated. The lights are off. They’ve gotten into the habit of sharing secrets like this, connected but not looking at each other. Neither one of them was ever particularly good at real intimacy, but it’s easier like this. They never talk about it in the daytime, rarely even acknowledge it indirectly, but neither forgets a syllable of what’s said._

 

_Tahani admits to feeling insecure, and Eleanor asks why. Tahani talks about perfect Kamilah and how she never measured up, how even in death she’s desperately trying to be enough. Eleanor’s familiar with parental rejection and disinterest, but she’s pretty sure neither of her parents were capable of anything else. She can’t imagine what it would have been like to know that they could love and praise and feel pride, but have them choose not to aim any of it at her._

 

_A lot of time she and Tahani just trade off confessions, but tonight Eleanor feels like she should say something encouraging. She flails for a second. She’s still more skilled at tearing people down than building them up. She decides to follow the unwritten rule of their nights like this, to tell the truth and say what she feels._

 

_“You know how I’m taking those classes with Chidi?”_

 

_“Mmhmm...”_

 

_“Well there was this guy, Plato…”_

 

_She feels Tahani smile. “Yes, I’m familiar.”_

 

_“Good. Okay…Good. Um, so he had this ladder. It wasn’t a real ladder. Like a metaphorical one. Isn’t it cool that they had ladders like all the way back then? I couldn’t think of a ladder in a million years if they didn’t already exist, probably”_

 

_Tahani stiffens slightly and Eleanor remembers where she’s supposed to be going with this._

 

_“Okay, so this ladder, it’s called the Ladder of Love, sounds like the name of a really terrible bar, right?” Tahani snorts and she continues, “So like when you’re in love, or even when you just like someone I guess, there’s these stages, rungs on the ladder. The first one is physical attraction, desire for a beautiful body, which you’ve got down by the way. Your body’s like, if the Eiffel Tower was hot.”_

 

_Eleanor feels Tahani smirk against her and thinks she might not completely be failing at this, so she goes on. “So then there’s higher stages. Next is all bodies, then souls, then like communities or what communities build? I don’t know, gotta admit, the middle got kinda boring and Chidi spent like an hour on each one. But! I remember the end. The final stage, according to Plato, is Beauty itself. When you get there it’s like enlightenment or something, the meaning of life. To take in the beautiful. And then you don’t need the other rungs, because like Beauty makes beautiful bodies, and all that other beautiful stuff unnecessary.”_

 

_“Chidi can explain it better, obviously, but when he was telling me about it I got it, right away. All I had to do was picture you”. Tahani gasps softly, but Eleanor keeps going, knowing she may never have the courage to say it again._

 

 _“Even if we never touched, or I never made you laugh, or you never told me any of your secrets. Just knowing that you exist, that you are out there somewhere, it makes me feel like everything’s gonna be okay, you know. You being here, even when I’m not with you, it’s what makes it The Good Place for me. And if I ever get sent to The Bad Place, just knowing you’re here, that Beauty exists_ somewhere _, it’ll be enough. So like, I know your sister makes good paintings or whatever, but if you ask me, no contest.”_

 

_Eleanor feel tears on her shoulder, and as Tahani lifts herself up and touches her face, she realizes she’s crying too. It’s still dark. They can’t really see each other, but Tahani leans down and kisses her, slow and full of meaning, and sighs “You’re wonderful, Eleanor Shellstrop”. She curls back up against her, and when they’re both comfortable again, Eleanor says “Okay, so now that that’s settled...I’m terrified of peacocks, here’s why.” Tahani laughs and Eleanor's never heard anything more beautiful._

 

When Tahani looks back to her, Eleanor’s brain goes blank for a moment. She’s fallen in love with this woman almost 1000 times, and she’s still struck dumb by a single look, by the flip of her hair, and the sun bouncing off her irises. She knows she has to work fast, that Tahani is looking for a moment to politely reject her, so she has to give her an offer she can’t resist first.

 

“So yeah, I thought a picnic, down by the lake. Play some music - Adele, the Beatles, maybe some classical music, or the Bombay Vikings”. Tahani quickly goes from wistful to suspicious at the suggestions and Eleanor realizes she may have gotten too specific. “Um, I used to like finding and listening to all types of music - except jazz, am I right? Anyway, food! I’ll cook, obviously.” Tahani then looks at her with a combination of disbelief, accusation, and amusement, and Eleanor surrenders, “fine fine, Janet will cook, or conjure, whatever. Point is _you_ don’t have to bring anything. I got it covered. Cucumber sandwiches, figs, some ceylon tea, I don’t know, other pretentious stuff you probably like, and then I’ll get a shirtload of wine. And Pimm’s cups, that’s British, right? I never drank them - not enough alcohol, what am I, 12?”

 

Tahani is still looking suspicious and a little reproachful about that last thing, and says “Look Eleanor, I appreciate the offer. It sounds, well, perfect, actually, but I’m not certain that -”

 

“Okay, hold on hold on, just hear me out for one more minute, and then I promise I’ll leave you alone”, Eleanor says, as she tries to swallow down a new wave of despair.

 

_Attempt 307_

_Eleanor and Tahani are settled in the perfect-temperature water of Tahani’s bathtub. Tahani lying back against Eleanor’s front, a position they argued about for days until Tahani relented. Eleanor convinced her to throw out all logic, knowledge of body mechanics, and logistics, and it turns out she’s enjoying it, if the sigh she lets out as Eleanor kisses the back of her neck is any indication. Eleanor has her left arm held tight around Tahani’s stomach, and the fingers of their right hands are entwined together resting on the side of the tub. Eleanor breaks the comfortable silence with “so I’m not trying to get all ‘I told ya so’ here or anything, but it looks like being the little spoon agrees with you”._

 

_“You know, I’m too comfortable to argue with you. You were right.”_

 

_“I’m sorry, what was that?”_

 

 _“And she ruins the moment,_ again _”, Tahani says with a pinch to Eleanor’s thigh._

 

_“Hey. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Truce? Stay there, please, I’m comfortable.”_

 

_“I’m not going anywhere. I’m comfortable too. Could do without the commentary though, as it were.”_

 

_“You got it, gorgeous. Lips - zipped. Or kissing you. But otherwise zipped.”_

 

_“Perfect”. She leans her head back into Eleanor’s shoulder and closes her eyes. “Absolutely perfect.”_

 

_After a few minutes, Tahani breaks the easy silence with “you know, Michael once told me that anything in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. I thought it was just Michael being, well, Michael, but I believe I finally understand what he meant.”_

 

_Eleanor holds her tighter for a moment and mumbles her agreement as she kisses Tahani’s neck. She sucks an earlobe before giving it a gentle bite and then whispers into it “whataya say we go for 105%?”_

 

“I have no ulterior motives. I genuinely just want to apologize, and maybe get to know you a little better. But you don’t even have to talk to me if you want. You can just eat my food, and talk to the boys. Or, well Chidi.” Tahani laughs, or maybe just exhales quickly. No, that was definitely a laugh. Progress. “And I’ll be on my best behavior, I won’t say, or do, anything _untoward_ , cross my heart”.

 

Tahani manages a half-smile as she says “Really Eleanor? If you’re trying to get into my good graces, it would serve you well not to make promises you can’t keep.” Eleanor’s stomach flutters. It’s the first time in this version that Tahani's teased her. She clarifies, “fine, I promise to do my best.”

 

“Well…”

 

_Attempt 798_

_Eleanor is on her back with one arm flung over her eyes. She’s trying to regain control of her breath. As Tahani crawls back up her body, Eleanor manages, “See, I knew you wanted to take a bite of this pear.”_

 

_As Tahani reaches her face, she rolls her eyes and says “Must everything that comes out of your mouth be so crass?”_

 

_“Are you sure you’re in a position to get on my case about that, I mean considering where your mouth has just been?”_

 

_“You’re impossible.”_

 

_“Oh, please, you love it.”_

 

_Tahani looks down at Eleanor with wide, sincere eyes. “Yes. I believe I might.” Eleanor softens as she looks up at Tahani and says “Yeah, I think I do too.”_

 

“Fine. Against my better judgement, I accept your invitation. But I reserve the right to rescind it at any time, including during the event. And I _will_ bring something because I’m not a barbarian.”

 

Eleanor smiles and nods as she says “Okay, deal. So I’ll talk to the boys and then give you the time and place? Maybe tomorrow? Yeah?”

 

Tahani nods.

 

As she walks back to Chidi and gives him a thumbs up, which he returns despite not knowing what it’s for, Eleanor feels her chest expand for the first time since this attempt began. She and Tahani have been falling apart and coming together for centuries, in over a thousand versions of reality, no matter what Michael's tried. She resolves that this time won’t be any different.

 

_Attempt 22_

_Eleanor holds Tahani steady up against the wall next to her front door, as Tahani tries to catch her breath, her forehead leaning on Eleanor’s shoulder, as she comes down from her high. Eleanor braces her hands on her hips._

 

_“You okay, baby?”_

 

 _“Yes. I’m more than okay. Well except for the fact that we just broke the cardinal rule of heaven,_ again _. I’m a good person Eleanor. I try to do what’s right. And if The Good Place has a no fraternization rule, it’s probably for a good reason.”_

 

_“You should be complete within yourself. You don’t need another person to make you happy in paradise. Blah. Blah. Blah. I know. I lost the remote and watched the welcome channel for like 3 hours yesterday. But that’s not true, because you feel this? Right?”_

 

_“Yes, Eleanor, of course I feel it. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I feel as though no matter where we were: Earth, here, The Bad Place, I wouldn’t be able to stay away from you. Sometimes it feels as though we were destined for this. To find each other.”_

 

_“I don’t know about that. I mean you’re a goddess and I’m me. I’m not even a good person. I know my life and my luck, and I never woulda ended up with someone like you on Earth. Not without screwing the whole thing up.”_

 

_“I’m not sure about that, darling. It’s not like this makes any sense here. But it works, we work. I think I was looking for you on Earth, and I didn’t even know it. If we’d never met here, I’d be looking for you still. I don’t think there’s any circumstance in which you’re not the only thing that fills this ache inside me.”_

 

_“I...I know. Me too. I mean, I still think you could do way better. But I feel it too, the ache thing. Maybe we’re soulmates or something. And that’s why we still feel it, even here?”_

 

_“Maybe. Either way, if we’re ever apart, know that I’m out there somewhere looking for you.”_

 

_“I will. Me too. Now, hotstuff, whataya say we go finish fraternizing in my bedroom?”_

 

_“There’s not a force in the universe that could stop us.”_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm ALWAYS up for talking The Good Place. Come find me on Tumblr @freewillandphysics


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